Who I Was Two Years Ago
4 Dec
Today I have a story that’s more serious than ways to cut toast.
It’s about rediscovering who I was two years ago and recognizing how far I’ve come.
(Yep, this is a for-real morning sapfast brought to you by OALP).
Note: I do not mean for this post to be triggering for anyone who struggles with disordered self-image, but it will bring up these issues. Proceed with a cautious reading eye.
When I started my MFA program, I took a class called “Creativity” in which we had to keep a daily journal. I took the journal very literally at first – splattering the pages with words.
Eventually I started doing what we call “plorking” in the program. Play + Work = Plork. The pages began serving as more than a space for words but a place for me to store ideas in shapes, objects and forms. Eventually, my book looked like this:
The book does not lay flat. It cannot be shelved or contained. This book is the key to my journey as an artist and creative thinker, and I display it proudly.
The other day I grabbed my old journal from the top of the bookcase and started skimming through the pages. I haven’t read through it in more than a year, and there was one entry that really got me.
I wrote this on September 20, 2007 – more than two years ago, and nearly a year before I started writing OALP.
In case you can’t read the text:
I touch my arms, the backs of them. The creases in my sides. The bumps on my backside. The extra flap near my chin. The lower part of my stomach that sticks out. When I smile in a mirror, it’s not because I’m happy. I am posing to see what a camera might catch at a bad angle. That way I can plan for nights out and birthday parties… and a captured double chin.
I have touched the parts of my body I hate for longer than I can remember. I am one of the only people who has touched these spots. The magazines call them problem areas and show me a cream that will help. I will eventually purchase the product and probably never use it. When I go running, sometimes I touch the fat that jogs along with me. I wonder how long it will take to run away on its own and not come back. But then I wonder what I’d touch. Without obsession, I’m not sure what I’d feel.
I have been lingering on this sentence:
Without obsession, I’m not sure what I’d feel.
Did you ever read something you wrote and think – that’s not me. I didn’t write those words. There’s no way. Uh-uh. Nope.
Well, I did. And although I like the writing, the words made me cringe.
…Because I am not obsessed with my body anymore. I am not obsessed with “problem areas.” I am not obsessed with buying products to make me better. And it was hard to go back this memory lane – and remember what the days were like when I did feel this way about myself.
Now I am obsessed with being healthy. Being OK with who I am. Accepting myself 100%. Loving this person, this being.
You see, I don’t know how to say this. This is a very personal thing I’m bringing up. And I don’t know what else to say but thank you.
Reading blogs and blogging completely changed the way that I look at food and healthy living. I started eating real foods again. I started exercising not to look good – but to feel stronger and healthier. I started appreciating what my body could do.
I have written about body and self love before. I wrote that learning to love myself came naturally, and I still agree with that. However, after reading this very personal journal entry – I’ve realized that my journey of self love has only just begun. And it’s important to keep on that track – no matter what bad thoughts may enter my mind here and then.
This all being said, I know I’m not the patron saint of amazing health. I have my vices. But more than appearance what I care about is FEELING GOOD in my skin.
I don’t think that person I was two years ago is stupid. I don’t even think she’s crazy. I just think she’s come a long way since then. And I’m happy to still be moving forward.
Tags: very personal
Rose, that is awesome. What an amazing thing to share, and even better that you’re not that person anymore!
i’ve found old journals and things that I’ve written and think the same thing – who is that person? What that really what I felt and thought? How can things be so different in just 2 years?
I’m happy for you
Rose, this is incredible! Hugs to you for being brave enough to share this with us.
I’m so proud of you!
What a beautiful entry, Rose. I can relate, for sure. Sometimes when I think back to my life at this time last year, I honestly can’t believe that it was me. I remember thinking how did I get that way?
It’s so important to keep on track and I very much appreciate the reminder. This post was so incredibly touching and I thank YOU for writing it! It’s just what I needed to read this morning.
This really gave me chills, Rose. Wow. You have come so far!
Rose,
What a beautiful post and you have a lot of courage for posting that on the web. That is raw honesty right there. I have definitely read things I have written in the past like that and it just feels like it was an entirely different person who wrote those things. I think most women can relate to what you wrote- I know I can.
You have clearly come a long way and grown as a person in touch with their own feelings.
I admire you for all of the self-reflection you have done!
Jamie
Such inspiring, beautiful words and reflection.
You are such a lovely lady. I definitely relate to reading past journals and not believing it’s me who penned the words. Scary, powerful, transformation stuff. I love you.
Thank you for sharing Rose. You are an incredible gift to this community.
I wrote something very similar about accepting my body last night!
I wish I was at the self-love stage but I’m not there yet. On my way though.
I love finding old poetry I’ve written. It’s crazy to actually be able to read how I’ve changed!
It is scary reading some of my thoughts from previous years. I’m still learning to accept myself but you’ve come a long way. Very inspiring!
I have nothing but tears…of empathy because I too have these areas that I have hate, and through a lot of hard work and yes, the influence of so many amazing women in my life, am learning to see past them. I’m so happy you have too. What a beautiful post.
Thank you so much for sharing with us. Your journal is beautiful, and you have come so far!
love this post rose, you continue to inspire me! *love*
Rose, this was such a beautiful and honest post. It definitely resonates with me and I’m sure most all other bloggers (heck, most WOMEN). It’s truly a blessing that we can overcome the self-hate and really appreciate all that we can do. So inspiring!
I can’t read your blog at work anymore because I always end up giving myself away — by laughing hysterically or crying.
Today, it was tears. I’m so proud of you and thankful that you trust us enough to post something so honest!
Thank you so much for sharing that old journal entry with us. You have such a beautiful writing voice, and it was very cool to hear that voice in the context of past feelings and struggles.
I was struck by the fact that the background images in that journal entry were all pieces of people–never a whole person. I found that very evocative of the way that I used to think about myself. For me, the biggest sign of progress in self-acceptance was that I stopped thinking of myself as discrete pieces that could be praised or criticized and starting thinking of myself as a whole person.
Rose, I’m so proud of you! That’s so awesome how you have made healthy living — and writing about it — such a central part of your life. You’re inspiring and I want to be able to do the same!
Wow, this post gave me chills, as it was like you were in my brain. It was beautifully written, and I’ve glad that you moved on in your thoughts about your body. Slowly I am getting there as well.
Ok, that brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for making me cry at work, Rose (j/k). I know the feeling and I know the courage it it takes to write a post like that, Mine like that ( http://foodfitnessfashion.com/2009/10/21/national-love-you-body-day/ ) was very hard to write, but even harder to actually publish and put out there for the world to see!
Thanks for sharing and for being such a great role model. ::hugs::
Beautiful. Honest. Real. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for enabling so many women the ability to see past what is not as important or nurturing as an true self-love.
That is why I did the exposed post. That is why I share, brutally, how I feel. Keep up the amazing work. Keep be honest with yourself and knowing that from the inside out your are beautiful and shine.
~M
What an excellent post. I understand exactly how you feel! I read old journals over Thanksgiving and saw one entry the was freaking out about being a certain weight (which was too low anyway). The blog community has changed my ideas about EVERYTHING regarding body image, weight, and exercise. I feel 100000% perfect in my own skin which is totally invaluable. This is mainly in thanks to diligent bloggers like yourself!
wow… that was a bit of an emotional post as i am currently reevaluating my life in terms of health and what the ideal beauty is. i feel like i am trying to get to the point that you find yourself now. congratulations on your positive attitude.
on a side note, i lived in DC for the past two years and moved back to Detroit (my city of love) in May. However, I do miss DC dearly and your posts that mention locations or events in DC help me to reminisce. Thanks!
i’m so proud of you and dont’ even know you. i am going through a self evaluation of how i want to live my life and i choose to view my body. i’m tired and exhausted at constantly being worried of those problem areas you speak of. i am working on the mindset of health rather than beauty (realizing that the latter will come from the former). thank you for the message you posted today. it is an inspiration.
on a side note, i lived in DC for two years and moved back to Detroit (the city I love) in May. When you post of locations or event that I know of it helps me to reminisce of my wonderful times in the capital. I miss it dearly and live vicariously through you and my wonderful friends that remain there.
i am so proud of you for posting this rose and wish i were as strong as you to have come to the place where you are that is so much better. it’s inspiring to know and see that we can find the place that you have found and be so happy there.
wow. thank you for this post, rose. it was incredibly powerful. i also recently discovered an old journal entry of mine – it is much worse, but it reminded me of who i am not anymore. even on my bad days, i know how far i’ve come.
this was such an inspiring post. i am so, so proud of us.
This is an awesome post. Thanks for sharing something so personal. It is inspiring.
Reading the journal entry broke my heart. I’ve never met you but I feel like I know you because I’ve been reading for so long, and it made me sad to see all the things you disliked about yourself. It makes me want to give the Rose from two years ago a big hug and tell her how awesome she is. You’ve come a long way Rose.
Wow this is so powerful. Reading old journal entries can definitely be an almost “out of body” experience. Congrats for overcoming all of those thoughts and emotions Rose. You are truly inspring and such an upbeat, motivation personality! I love reading what you say and think, and I appreciate you sharing this with us today. I’m sure others will as well.
Great Post Rose! If I wrote a journal two years ago, you would probably have read the same words, though not as eloquently as your wrote it.
We really are twins.
This is a beautiful post Rose
You write so beautifully. Thanks for sharing that with us, and thanks for letting us witness your transformation via the blog
Thank you for sharing this Rose. Being committed to health and not worrying about what society tells us we should look like is so much easier said than done. So great that you were able to do it. I think the blogging community has helped me with that also, and I’m so grateful for it.
Rose, you are SUCH an inspiration to me. I don’t think you realize just how much your spirit, and this post, has touched me. I can tell you definitely feel comfortable with yourself, and body, more than this journal entry shows. At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that self, and see how far you’ve come. I want to know your secret! Self-Acceptance is one of the hardest things I’ve battled. And still have to work toward. I love you & thanks for sharing this!
<3
Thanks for your honesty Rose! I’ve struggled with similar thoughts and feelings in the past and often wondered, “When am I going to get through it?” They say your 20′s is a time for finding yourself and who you are and in your 30′s you’re supposed to be comfortable with where you are. I just turned 29 and am barely starting to love my body, my mind and who I am.
Reading your blog reminds me that who cares about the number (weight and age-wise!). I.Will.Get.There.
Thanks for sharing!
This is really inspirational. Thanks for sharing
I can totally relate and I am SO glad you shared. It’s a long journey becoming someone who is happy and comfortable in their own skin.
And this post really made me want to reach out and give you a big hug.
Rose, i love you! you have such an incredible spirit. you’re so genuine and honest and creative and curious and loving. i love this post so much. it has really really touched me because i know that girl – i’m still that girl. i squeeze my inner thigh fat and i smile (pose) in the mirror not out of pleasure but as a critic. though i’ve made huge strides in this area of my life, i know that i’m not at the point i want to be. i know that the relationship with myself is the most important one…and i’ve been both the abuser and the one abused for far too long. i want to treat myself with the love that i hold in my heart.
i’m both happy and proud that you’ve made that journey and continue on the path. you’re an inspiration. truly.
This post had me tearing up. I think blogs have helped my self image too. So thank you so much for posting this and continuing to inspire and enlighten me.
Reading this late, as always. Rose, you are amazing.
I may just now be reading this post but that does not make it any less amazing, heartfelt and real. I am so thankful that you are a part of this blogosphere. You bring credibility, sincerity and joy to our lives just by being you. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me as a person, and I hope you know that. Thank you for sharing your story. Truly.
I am just reading this, obviously late. I think it’s a beautiful and inspiring post in the realest possible way. You have been there and are talking about acceptance from a place of experience rather than in a preachy way – I love it.