Healthy Balance?
24 Jun
I’m feeling sad today. There’s really no reason in particular. I’m just having one of those days. Does that ever happen to you? I start thinking and thinking about lots of different things, and I lose track of the positive things. The good thing is that I’ve been talking to Bill a lot tonight, and he just really gets me. He also helps me see the positive whenever I’m down. I must admit that I’m not often down – but when I get that way, it tends to linger. 
That being said, I decided I was in no mood to stand behind the stove tonight. We got in the car and drove to Panera. On the way there, I kept thinking about how no matter what I got – I would probably break the Cleaner Life Challenge. I decided that I’d live with those choices. I haven’t been perfect with this challenge, but I know that each day I’m learning a lot. And I think it says something that I am starting to understand what’s clean or not. I ordered my usual – a you-pick-two with an Asian Sesame Chicken salad and french onion soup. I told them to hold the cheese, but they didn’t. 
And then I ordered the most evil of things. A diet Pepsi. Certainly a clear violation. 
I noticed a lot of things as I was eating my dinner tonight in terms of how I was feeling.
- I got really full from the soda. Almost uncomfortably full. And I didn’t like it. I actually quit drinking halfway through.
- I think I’m starting to taste processed foods in a different way. I can tell when something has a bunch of ingredients added in, even if I don’t necessarily know what those ingredients are.
- I almost started reverting back to old thinking patterns, and even as I reread this post, I’m noticing it. There is a fine line between being aware of my food and obsessed with it. At times I’ve found this challenge makes me more obsessive than usual. I tell myself that this is a good thing (and I believe it is), but I think at times it reaches a certain tipping point.
Those items being said, here’s how I’m feeling: Eating clean makes me feel better. Sometimes I am not in the mood to eat clean. Sometimes I can’t eat clean. But no matter what, I am more aware now than ever before what I’m putting into my body. Years ago, my “sad food” would have included a large amount of food. I’m now seeing that even when I “break the rules,” I’m still better off than I used to be because I have figured out portion control better. At the same time, I want to maintain my healthy attitude toward food and not obsess. I think I’m reaching a healthy balance, but I’m still working on it.
Have you achieved your healthy balance?
(PS: I hope this is not a bunch of jibberish and is coherent.)
I think it’s important to recognize that sometimes, not eating so clean is a totally normal, healthy thing. It’s not the best thing in the world, but is it the worst? Not at all.
I haven’t achieved my balance yet at all, but the fact that I keep coming back to a healthy diet every time says a lot!
That is so wonderful Bill is a good listener. Sometimes it feels great to put it all out there! Hope you have a wonderful evening!
oh.my.god. – we had the same exact day – one day apart. every single word you just wrote – perfectly describes my tuesday. i’m so with you!
Ha, have I reached a healthy balance. This post sounds similar to the conversations I have in my head every single day. Right there with you girl, you’re doing great
I hear ya!
I haven’t found my healthy balance quite yet. When I look back to where I was maybe 5 years ago, I’ve come tremendously far. I try to focus on that rather than what progress I’d still like to make. As someone who has a history of disordered eating, I know exactly what you mean about the fine line between healthy eating and obsession.
I hope you feel better. I really do understand the random sad moods. They just happen, and I’m still not sure the best way to get out of them.
Your post was interesting and definitely coherent. I enjoyed hearing your thoughts on the clean eating and how it’s changed the way your body feels about food.
I just hit that line between healthy living and obsession tonight at boot camp when I caught myself loathing my reflection in the mirrors and thinking how I was the fattest one there, etc. It’s crazy and I wish I didn’t do it, but I think just being aware of a behavior is key to controlling it and maybe even changing it.
Great post, Rose. I think you touch on a very important topic: where is the line between “clean” and “neurotic?” It’s good to be aware of what exactly you’re putting in your body, but there’s no need to let it impede the joys of everyday life.
When I had more eating problems, I really fell into the obsessive side about food. It wasn’t fun to think about food – it was something to worry about. Food should be enjoyed.
I’m sorry you were sad today. I have those days. Everyone does. I must admit, sometimes it’s fun to wallow in self-pity. As long as I can get out of it pretty quickly. I get this twisted enjoyment out of it.
i think you are doing BEAUTIFULLY with what you are putting in to your body and really understanding the affects it brings about.
YES what we fuel our bodies with is important, but it’s always not the end all be all of life. so ya had a diet coke…so what? i’m sorry you’re feeling down, i def got in that rut the other day blah…tomorrow’s a new day though!
Yo, I get in those downer moods sometimes too. My whole body and mind just seem to collapse the only thing that makes me feel better are endorphins..and usually I don’t want to go work out!
Panera is fab. They never listen to my “holdings” eitha though. Diet pepsi is horribly good but lately I haven’t been feeling all that aspartame eitha. Sh!T is crazy.
I completely understand get in a down mood sometimes for no apparent reason. It’s great that you have Bill to talk to. I tend to shut myself off and stick to myself until I pull myself out of a rut.
I feel like I am coming closer to a healthy balance than ever before. I am slowly working on cutting out artificial sweeteners, and probably drink about one diet coke a week (even then, it’s not that enjoyable). I tend to easily slip from a healthy perspective on things to an obsessive mindset, so it is really important for me to keep myself in check. I am the kind of person who always feels like I can be doing “more” or “better”, and I am never really satisfied (hard for me to feel like I am balanced when I could technically do a LITTLE better). Crazy huh?
It’s definitely a challenging task to be able to determine the healthy balance between caring about what you eat and put in your body, to obsession. You should not feel guilty for indulging in certain things, if you enjoyed it at the time… indulging every once in a while the “bad” things won’t kill you!
Thanks for commenting on my post!
Have a wonderful night!
Keri
I have not been perfect either. This week has been particularly rough. I totally agree about tasting processed foods. I felt the same way with my frozen yogurt tonight.
Anyway, you are doing great! Thank you for the happy b-day in the previous post.
Rose,
Look at all these people who love you through your BLOG! That must mean you are pretty fantastic. Your personality is so amazing that it can shine through your written work. What a gift!
I’m proud of you for owning your choices! I think that’s probably the most important thing about finding your healthy balance. You have realized that you can consciously choose what you want to put into your body – healthy or otherwise. It’s important to know what you need and how different foods affect you.
You make healthy choices every single day! Try to celebrate those successes even when you are choosing something slightly less “clean.” And let yourself enjoy those exceptions as best you can… otherwise what’s the point?
Have you been taking care of your mind lately? Just like we choose what foods we put into our bodies, we can also take charge of choosing what thoughts we want to hold in our awareness. I’m reading a great book right now called “My Stroke of Insight” about a brain researcher who had a stroke in her left hemisphere and had a transcendental experience. She talks about tending the garden of your mind… which feels a lot to me like paying attention to what we eat. When you notice yourself hooking into negative thought patterns, it’s usually best to allow yourself to experience that pattern for 90 seconds. That’s the amount of time that your body physiologically demands that you endure that sensation. Then consciously try to shift your thoughts to the positive side. Don’t fight with your brain, just gently guide it back to the positive. Focus on your breath or some other sensations (listen as deeply as you can to what’s around you, feel all the touch sensations of the moment, open your visual perspective to the “big picture,” etc.). Or visualize yourself in a peaceful state (and peaceful location). It can be really helpful to create a mental “happy place” that you can visualize to bring a sense of calm and peace into your life when you need it.
Anyway, I think it’s very understandable that you are having a rough time right now (especially in light of the Metro thing). That can really shake your sense of safety and peace. I’m so glad you’re both okay and that you have each other. I love you very much!
I get down sometimes too for no reason. Totally normal. Can’t be 100% positive and happy all the time!
Ok, so first, this is my first time commenting on your blog (I think?), but I read every day. Second, I’m really sorry that today was a downer. I’m glad you have a great support in Bill to help get you through your tough times.
Third, and most important, I really feel like this “clean” food challenge is a bit much. I can tell from reading your post that you are feeling guilty from eating certain foods (“evil” diet pepsi? No food is evil!) Of course, we all feel better eating more natural foods than processed ones, but no one is going to keel over from having a diet pepsi (or lunch meat, or cheese, or a twinkie or god forbid non-organic fruits and veggies!) Striving to more foods in their natural state (“clean food” I guess? does that make other food “dirty?”)is a great thing. Beating yourself up over having some processed food is not. I think you should lighten up and give yourself a break. Its not like you’re eating at McDonald’s everyday.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, or rude. That isn’t my intention. It just seems like you’ve gotten obsessed with “eating clean” and everytime you “break the rules” (who makes these rules?) you get down on yourself. Food should be fun (oatmeal stories!) and not sad.
Oh, I understand what you mean about negative thoughts. Once I get stuck in a negative pattern, it usually takes days to a couple of weeks sometimes to ride it out. I realize it shouldn’t be this way, but I’m really hard on myself, some variation of which usually ends up being what gets me down.
Along a similar train of thought to Kelly, I think you might enjoy reading this commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace. It’s about, well, a lot of things, but partially about dealing with the mundanity of every day life, and being aware/in charge of what you choose to think about. It’s interesting.
http://web.archive.org/web/20080213082423/http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html
I’m glad you’re able to find support where you need it, both personally and through the blog. Putting yourself out there for honesty’s sake takes a lot. : )
I hope today is better, and tomorrow better than that (so on and so forth)
I hope you’re feeling better today!
I think it’s amazing to see how much one progresses… The fact that you’re diving into a plateful of fries after a bad day is amazing, and such an amazing example to the rest of us!
I also think that your challenge is to have a Cleaner Month, not a perfect month… Being more aware, making healthier choices, and making lasting changes will mean more for your health and is the real beauty of this challenge!