I had a very reflective gym experience today. Because my batteries are dead in my camera – I thought now would be the perfect time to do an Exercise Installment on On a Lobster Placemat.

I love working out on Saturdays. This morning I woke up, went to the gym around 9:30 a.m., lifted for 20 minutes, took a step class and ran a mile – and burned 625 calories. I was so excited by the number on my HRM, I ignored how good my legs felt when I ran and how much better I can keep up in step class. I like knowing how many calories I burn (especially on days where I know I’ll be eating out), but I realized that I was losing sight of why I do what I do and how it makes me feel. I lift because of the way I feel after. I take step class because it’s so much fun. And I run because I like knowing I can travel far distances like that, on my own two legs.

I don’t talk about exercise that much on this blog. I’ve been thinking about that recently. I guess there are a couple reasons and a lot of it goes back to my days of being a runner.

In high school, I did the unthinkable for someone in my (genetically overweight/obese) family. I signed up for the cross country team. I didn’t think I’d do well at soccer, and I knew I wanted to play a sport that would challenge me. I ran all four years in high school and set my all-time PR when I was 17. I continued running in college but by my senior year, it had tapered off dramatically. When I moved down to DC, I vowed I would become a runner again.

But I really didn’t.

And I still don’t think I am a runner. And maybe that’s why I skim over it in blog posts. I haven’t run more than 6 miles in several years. I haven’t raced in four years. My average run is 3 miles, at best, and I’m much slower than I used to be. I feel like an ex-runner most of the time.

I’m not writing all this for it to be a pity party. I’m writing it because look at my attitude. (!) It’s no wonder that when my friend Katie asked if I would run a half marathon with her in May 2009, I sheepishly said, “maybe” and told her that I’d “fake-train” (meaning I’d try and run, but I wouldn’t sign up until the last minute). I still haven’t signed up for the race. And it still feels incredibly far away in terms of goals. And maybe it is. Maybe I’m setting goals that are too high for where I’m at right now. I don’t know.

My food mindset changed dramatically when I started this blog. I can finally appreciate food and use it to nourish my body. But it’s taken a while for my exercise mindset to catch up. I know if I think positively and train hard, I can succeed. But how do you get over the initial hump and start believing in yourself?

I’m not sure if I’ve come to any revelations yet about running or exercise. I just wanted to share these thoughts with you.